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Teens, Parenting and Divorce related issues

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One aspect of divorcing/separating which I find of utmost importance is what is happening to the children.

When going through a separation where children are involved it is very important to remember that we are first parents and no matter what happens, our children must come first.
It is therefore important to consider these points:

Put your children's needs first.
Remember that you have a responsibility towards their well being and that they are the most important.

Your Break up is start of a new relationship.
                                                                                          However hard this maybe, it is important to understand that even though you will no longer be spouses/partners, you are remaining parents. It is therefore important to acknowledge the beginning of a new relationship with your child's other parent.
Some people say to look at it as a business relationship. Keeping it cordial and distant.
What has worked for me is that I do not refer to my Ex as "My Ex" but as my children's father.
For children, their relationship with both parents remain the same, even if they won't live with both of them at the same time or sometime not at all. No matter the arrangements, the ex husband remains the father and the ex wife remains the mother. This can't be changed and children deserve the right to love both parents.
Focus on the role you are keeping, which is the parent as opposed to what is not anymore, "an Ex spouse".

Don't put your kids in the middle.
Don't put the children in between you and your ex and start pulling on them for their attention. Don't use your children as pawns to find out about the other person or get back at your ex. They have nothing to do with your problems. Keep reminding yourself of that. They do deserve and need, however, to remain cared for, protected and loved.

Fight in private.
Most children of divorce will  grow up stable and happy if their parents behave respectfully towards one another. Fighting in front of our children is one of the most destructive aspect of the divorce for them. After all, we are their role models. What would we be modeling if we fought in front of them or display openly our lack of self control?

Never undermine the other parent.
Don't be critical of your ex in front of the children. Put the children above all of your personal wants and needs. Again, this is about teaching them integrity and in the process of attacking the other parent you are only hurting your child. Remember, your child loves both of you and should not be put in a position where he should choose one parent over the other.

State everything in the positive.                                                                                                                           When explaining things to your child about the divorce and your new life, use positive words instead of negative words. First this will help them (and yourself) to see problems as opportunities, and it will help remove feelings of guilt/shame/anger...for example: the child is not from a broken home, he has two homes - Mom and Dad don't love each other anymore, Mom and Dad want to experience a different life - you can't have the branded shoes because I don't have enough money, Until I get back on my feet, we will have to watch our spending.

Any questions, comments, suggestions? Please do not hesitate to contribute.



Last updated by Nadia Thonnard Sep. 19, 2008.

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